Conflict and Context

A LESSON FROM PROVERBS 18

“Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2 (NLT)

I’ve been totally guilty. Maybe you have, too. Jumping to conclusions is so easy to do. The boss issues a new policy that everyone hates, so we jump in and complain about it. Social media goes nuts about a politician or celebrity’s latest offensive statement, so we throw our two cents in. Some popular company’s executive says something outrageous, so we jump on the boycott bandwagon. The pastor preaches something we disagree with, so we figure he’s not the man of God we thought he was after all. Our spouse or parent or sibling says something that pushes our buttons, so we spout off the most cutting, hurtful string of words we can think of in retaliation.

“Fools have no interest in understanding.”

We live in a knee-jerk reaction world. But consider this…

When was the last time you took the time to sit down and read for yourself the details of the new policy at work or asked someone in management to explain the rationale to you? Did you try to gain understanding, or did you just accept your complaining co-worker’s conclusion as fact?

When the pastor said that thing that offended you, did you go home and search it out in the Scriptures for yourself? Did you humbly ask the pastor or another spiritual leader over you to help you understand the point in question? Or did you just let the pastor slip down a notch further in your (very spiritual albeit judgmental) estimation of him?

The last time you heard about a celebrity making an offensive remark, did you probe further to see what the actual words spoken were? Did you find the full interview and learn the context of the questions asked? Or did you read one headline and pass judgment on the person’s motives and intentions?

One of our biggest vulnerabilities is that our society is wired to respond to shock and conflict. When we see or hear something that strikes a chord in us, we want it to be true, regardless of whether or not it is. News channels, bloggers, producers, and the kid next door at his computer all know this to be true. That’s why headlines are carefully crafted to manipulate your emotions, to trigger your attention and entice you to read the article. (Just pay attention to how many times you see or hear “…and you won’t believe what happens next!”) Our media world is designed to reel us in so we will embrace whoever’s opinion has been aired by whatever article, video, or photo that’s in front of us.

“…they only want to air their own opinions.”

The problem is that our society thrives on CONFLICT but ignores CONTEXT.

What do I mean by that?

In one of my roles in the public sector, I dealt with disgruntled customers and employees on a daily basis. But many of the issues brought to our office boiled down simply to a gross misunderstanding of the why behind the what. Employees don’t see the big picture; bosses don’t see the individual employee’s perspective. Everyone lacked the context of the other person’s perception, so because they lacked context, they lived in conflict.

Let’s go a different direction for a minute. When was the last time you or I researched a social media post to verify its authenticity before sharing it with all our friends?

Did you know that I could, at this very moment, tell you about a beautiful, struggling 7-year-old girl I know who is lying in a hospital a few miles from here, fighting for her life? I could tell you how her mother is a single mom whose insurance was dropped last year and how they desperately need money for the little girl’s treatment. I could post a picture asking you to please share it with all your friends and help us get 1 million “likes” for this little girl and her mother. There’s only one problem: The true context behind this story is that it is just a story. I totally made it up. Just now, that little girl and her family were created as a figment of my imagination.

The hard truth is that people make up stories, stage videos, manipulate images, and misconstrue facts every single day, and then they publish them online for the world to believe. If you are not aware of that context, you will experience more than your share of internal conflict from emotion-evoking images and articles pulling at your heartstrings and igniting your anger as you scroll through your news feed each day. (The tools available to the average consumer nowadays are astonishing, and then the sheer amount of time that some people have to sit around and make up things is even more astonishing! You just can’t believe every picture you see of Jesus in the clouds… Seriously, Photoshop makes that really easy to do, so unless you snapped the picture yourself, there’s a good chance it’s not real.)

Most of us are acutely aware that “not everything you see on TV is true,” but how many of us apply this to the Internet? Do we realize that it is light years easier to post something on the Internet than it is to broadcast something on TV?

…to search out a matter is the glory of kings. Proverbs 25:2 (NIV)

The fact is that we have a lot of fools running around airing their own opinions with no interest in understanding. So it’s up to us to search out matters, to gain context and understanding of the situation.

Let’s leave the social media world and apply this to real life. If we thrive on conflict without context, it can have detrimental affects on our relationships with those around us.

How often have we made a judgment about someone, thinking there was no fathomable explanation to justify what they said or did, only to find out that once we heard their side of the story, it wasn’t so bad after all?

“The first to speak in court sounds right—until the cross-examination begins.”
Proverbs 18:17 (NLT)

I can’t count how many times my husband and I have found ourselves in the middle of a not-so-pleasant “discussion,” having gone ‘round and ‘round in disagreement, and then one of us says in response to the other one, “Well, that’s exactly what I’m saying!” Ok, wait. If you’re saying what I’m saying, then that means we don’t disagree about this after all, right? So why are we arguing? We’re arguing because we lacked understanding about the other person’s perception.

We jumped into the conflict because we didn’t understand the context.

Most of us want to be given the benefit of the doubt in our personal conflicts, but are we affording that same opportunity and grace to others?

Are we thriving on conflict, or are we striving for context and understanding in each situation?

Let’s ask ourselves these questions:

• Am I jumping on every opportunity to engage in conflict with those around me? At work? At school? At church? At home?
• Am I always looking for something to disagree about when someone in authority over me makes a new request or a new demand?
• Am I easily offended and highly defensive?
• Do I make snap judgments based on the first side of the story I hear?
• Do I easily fall prey to potential ploys, or do I search out a matter before investing my emotion and/or finances into the cause?
• Am I interested in gaining understanding, or am I only interested in airing my own opinions?
• Am I a fool, or am I wise?

We live in a very indignant, emotionally-charged society. Many people spend their lives looking for a reason to complain, to be offended, and to fight. While I don’t deny that there are valid issues in the world worthy of our concern and even our anger, I just wonder how many times we jump headlong into a battle that could have been avoided… if only we had stopped to gain understanding first?

Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.
Proverbs 18:15 (NLT)