When Relationships Become Ordinary

A lot of things in life start out as “fun” and uncommon but quickly turn routine, mundane, and common. It happens at work. It happens at school. It happens with our relationships with people, even our spouses. It happens with our relationship with God.

We talked a few days ago about what to do when our tasks become ordinary. But truthfully, many of us struggle much more, on a much deeper level, when our relationships become ordinary.

We often hear people refer to the “honeymoon” period for newlyweds. Of course, they’re not referring to the week after the wedding when the couple is on a honeymoon. They’re talking about that period of time when everything is bells and roses; the new couple is so enthralled with each other, with the newness of the relationship, and with the newness of the marriage, that all they can see is the good, the wonderful. The honeymoon period comes to an end when each person begins to see that the other person is, well, a person. A human… Not-so-much that invincible, infallible fairy tale character anymore.

This happens not only to married couples, but to friendships, working relationships, and again, our relationship with God.

Take siblings for example. Why do you think sibling rivalry is such a huge issue? I must wonder if it stems from the fact that siblings live most of their lives familiar with one another. When my baby sister was born (I was almost 4), there was definitely the novelty of a new baby in the house, so for me, there was a period of newness when she entered my life. But growing up together, that person is always there. And my sister never knew life without me until she was 14 and I moved away to college. We were familiar to one another from the very beginning.

Something is lost in a relationship when everything becomes familiar.

That’s not always a bad thing, though. The danger comes when the novelty of the “new” wears off and we don’t replace it with a depth of understanding and appreciation for one another. When all we’re left with is familiarity, the relationship is left wide open for discontent, doubt, disillusionment, and discord.

When I was a teenager, I heard a message preached at youth camp that revolutionized the way I saw my relationship with God and even my relationships with other people. )You know that message must have made an impact for me remember these three points all these years later).

Really, these three points are applicable not only to relationships, but also to other endeavors — weight loss, physical fitness, educational pursuits — but it especially zings with me for relationships.

The preacher, who was hilarious and had a rare knack for connecting with an audience full of teenagers, demonstrated to us a very specific process we would experience in our relationship with God and in our pursuit of spiritual growth…

He said it starts with…

1. DESIRE. In any relationship, including with God, there’s that initial spark — something that attracts you to one another, something that makes you want to get to know that person better. So you begin the pursuit of doing just that. With God, we begin reading our Bibles more, we spend time learning to pray, we attend church more faithfully… We begin doing things that will help us in our desire to know Him better.

As time passes, though, the desire tends to fade. The honeymoon period wears off a little. That initial excitement vanishes, and oftentimes we wonder if the desire was real in the first place. This is the time to take caution, though, and understand the process. Just because the desire faded does not mean the desire was fake or even superficial. You’re in the part of the relationship’s progress in which desire transitions into…

2. DISCIPLINE. The honeymoon period ends, even with God sometimes. Now it’s not so easy to get up that extra hour early to read and pray. The newness has worn off. Familiarity is starting to set in. Take heed, though, that in these moments where you may begin to question your relationship with God (or your relationship with your spouse)… Although it looks like the relationship has suffered a blow, this is actually a key opportunity for the relationship to undergo significant growth, growth that is deeper and more meaningful than the initial growth it experienced during the honeymoon phase. This is where the roots dig deep. This is where you find out exactly how committed you are to the relationship. And this is where the foundation is set for the relationship to rise or fall.

So what do we do in those moments when the spark is gone and there are no more goosebumps? (Maybe they were replaced by bad morning breath or an ugly attitude we’d never thought our spouse was capable of, or maybe they were replaced by a lurking apathy inside of us toward the God we love so much).

What do we do then? We power through. The discipline kicks in to keep us on track, to keep us committed, to keep us in covenant with one another… even when we don’t feel the desire the way we used to.

I hope you’re already encouraged, but if not, here comes the most powerful part. If we can make it through the discipline phase with all of its hard work and commitment, discipline will eventually give way to…

3. DELIGHT. There will be that moment when the light bulb goes off, and you realize the discipline was worth it. It paid off. You’re closer to God than you ever thought possible. Your spouse and you are more deeply connected than you’d realized. You have a new level of joy in the relationship. You see life through totally different eyes. You can enjoy each other and the relationship on new, deeper levels, with greater security in your covenant’s ability to withstand anything life throws at you.

DESIRE.

DISCIPLINE.

DELIGHT.

I’ve found that relationships go through this process multiple times. See, once I reach that level of “Delight” and enjoy it for a while, then I begin to feel a desire to do something to elevate the relationship further. So we start over on a new level with new desire, headed for new disciplines that will bring new delight.

This is how we can keep common relationships uncommon. It’s not a formula. It’s just an understanding of what’s already happening, so that we can navigate each season with a greater awareness of its purpose and value for the relationship. When the newness wears off, we dig our heels in the sand, plug through the discipline to get to delight, and then look for new (uncommon) ways to elevate the relationship to the next level.

Relationships aren’t easy. They’re easy to start, but staying the course is a different story.

Whatever you’re facing today — if it’s a struggle in your marriage, a struggle with a family member, or a struggle with God — I encourage you to embrace the discipline phase that you may be in, and rest assured that on the other side of discipline is sheer delight.

(I’d like to thank the guest minister who gave his message to an audience full of teenagers in 1997, and I’d like to thank the Holy Spirit for never letting me forget it).